dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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