I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
