Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
