who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
