You can't motorboat a personality
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
