While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
