ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
