I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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