just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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