I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
