Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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