From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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