I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
