Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
