His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
