Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Randomize
