No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
