Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
