I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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