Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
