We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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