dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
