Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
