I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
