I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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