how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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