Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
