if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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