so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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