Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
