That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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