I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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