She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Vodka?
Forever.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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