Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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