the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
