Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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