I don't usually arrange sex via text message
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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