just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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