If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
