I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
