How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
