I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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