Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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