I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
