my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
