I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
