my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
