you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Randomize
