oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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