The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
