I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
