I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
