Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
