Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
