I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
