i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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