I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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