May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
